Sick Sense of Satisfaction: 06/01/2008

Monday, June 30, 2008

Well the decision has been made.

Bryan and I and Mathew and Jessica are meeting Mark's wife Sandy at the hospital tomorrow. I don't know what to expect in stopping someone's life support. My only 2 points of reference are comical when added together:

1. The movie: "Steel Magnolias" where they decide to let Shelby go and her mother is the only one brave enough to be with her to the end

2. Losing Gabby in our arms to cancer and years later, Penny too.

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So...I had to get out. I went for a drive to be alone. While there, I prayed. I prayed like I should be praying daily, but don't. I prayed until the tears wet my tee-shirt. Years ago I asked God for a sign to reassure me of that my Mom was with Jesus when she passed away. He gave me that sign with the first song I heard next... "In the Garden". Tonight I told God how I felt and prayed that same thing again. I heard Tim McGraw's song "I'm Already Home" but only these lines:

And know my soul

Is where my mama always prayed that it would go

And if you're reading this

I'm already home

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Wow. That last post was pretty darn'd impressive especially since I don't remember typing any of it. But things have changed somewhat.

1. Rec'd call from Sandy - she will not be going with us.
2. Rec'd call from Mathew - long story but he is living in Kentucky! So he is awaiting word from me today

I don't want to go. I do not want to go at all. But I am hoping this will be one of those times when you make it thru because the Lord carries you. This happened to me with my Grandma. After my mom passed away in June, she lost the will to live. She ended up in the hospital and I kept putting off going to see her. We live a long drive away from any family so it takes an entire day to do this. On the day after I spoke to my uncle (who advised me I was running out of time to see her. I remember the night before wishing it was over. Not wanting to see my Grandma lying their ... dying.

We went the next day and we accidentally met my uncle in the elevator. He was glad we made the trip because on that day she was sitting up, talking and seemed like her old self. He stated that we picked a good day.

Two days later she was gone. No one else got to see her like I did. My uncle stated she said after we left that she "had seen everyone she needed to see" and she was ready to go.

I know that the Lord did that because I could not handle seeing my Grandmother in that condition only 1 month after losing my mom.

But today may be a different story.

Reen

Saturday, June 28, 2008

....and here we go again.

Saturday, June 14 I got a call from my sister-in-law, Sandy called to let me know that my brother, Mark was in the hospital..again. He had been at a birthday party and decided to once again go against his doctors orders (and common sense) and drink beer. Again, he had seizures from his body's inability to deal with the alcohol. And he ended up in the hospital...again.

So I have been calling the hospital and been given reports from the nurse's station that things were "OK". (here we go again...everything's ok). I should have known better!

So today Bryan decided to once again take the girls to Champaign to shop. After I just got my two scoops of Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream from Baskin Robbins, I rec'd a phone call from Sandy. Bad News. Mark was STILL on the respirator (something the nurses FAILED to mention on my many phone calls!) and that he had a living will. She needed to make the decision to stop the life support!! He is basically brain dead, she said and they have tried several times to slowly remove the respirator, with no luck.

So all I could think of was Not Again Not Again. Then the feeling of complete and utter lonliness came over me. I knew I would be losing Mark soon. I have been able to prepare myself.

There there's the whole Find Mathew Who Dropped Off the Face of the Earth search. I swear I have called the police dept, realtors, and every family member known to man. Where in the world is this kid?? And then..what do I say when I find him? "oh, yeah.. why was I lookin' for you? Your dad is going to die at xxpm on xxx day when we pull the plug"

So here I sit. Laptop on my lap, duh. Not wanting to go to bed, not wanting to think about it. I can't help but be totally selfish too. This cannot be coming at the worst possible time. I have scheduled vacation days coming up AND my tier two test coming on the 11th!! Too many people know I am going to be taking it! I can't allow myself to NOT pass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We plan on picking up Sandy and then going to the hospital tomorrow. More then.
Sadly yours,
Reen

I am a 1960s Diva!

You are a 1960s Diva

Bold dresses, funky boots, bright patterns.
You have an eye for fashion - and make trends timeless!

What Decade Diva Are You?

Thurman Willie Mays Hays McMillan

March 2008

Tall Tulips

~ I entered this photo on www.jonessoda.com. We will see what happens!
Reen

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

RR Bridge (after the rains)

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

RR Bridge (before the rains)

Critter Xing

Arch

Has it REALLY been that long? I was invited to DeColores Weekend #98 in 2005. It seems like it was just last year! I would like to go again, but I know it was so hard on my family with me gone for an entire Thursday eve to Sunday night. I have such fantastic memories of DeColores!

DeColores en Cristo (the many colors of Christ) is a means to strengthen and renew the faith people look for in life with Jesus Christ. Often called a "short course in Christianity", DeColores intends to instill the desire, and provide the tools for greater activity in Christian churches and enable sharing life experiences with Christians and non-Christians. The Cursillo method began in Spain in the 1940s and moved to the United States in the 1950s.

At the time I had been focusing a lot on the Lord and the weekend fit right in with my life. If I were to go now I know it would affect me more than I could handle. I am trying my best to life my life for the Lord now but I am surrounded by opposition and as everyone knows that makes life very difficult. I have slipped up more than once over the past year especially. I am tired of asking Jesus for forgiveness for failing Him the same way again and again. But I keep trying...

My best consolation is that the end is near. I can't listen to the news or read it online any more without feeling more and more strongly that we are getting closer to the time of Jesus' return. The Tsunamis, floods, earthquakes and other natural disasters are enough! But then you add to that the war in Iraq, the wars everywhere in the world and just the condition of our country right now and you can see how close we are getting. Right here where I live there has been flooding, tornados and earthquakes. All are signs according to Mt 24:6-8, Luke 21:11 and more. Unfortunately, I think it's going to get a LOT worse...