I just re-read my entry about my Priorities and I have made some progress. I knew this would not be an overnight change. But I am getting there.
Last night what I learned hurt me more than anyone has ever hurt me. So I let that person know. After I called bawling my eyes out, I hear .................................nothing.......................that's right nothing. Then I lost the call. So I waited for a call back. I thought AT LEAST Bryan would get a call. Nothing.
I know I have said this before but that is it. I am NOT going thru this person dying the Smoker's Death. Been there. Done that. Dad, Mom, Mark, Uncles and Aunts - aaaalllll same thing. coff coff coff hak hak hak "oooohh if only I had KNOWN this was going to kill me!" they say.
They know.
And apparently she wanted me to know OR at the very least wanted me to find out indirectly since she did it right in front of my 5 year old. So that's it. In one year and 7 months I will be free of the disappointment. Free of someone hiding or pitching stuff that belongs to me (like the CIPS bill...) Free of being ignored! Able to walk into a room and not be hated. I can have my house back
My LIFE back!
I cannot wait!
Reen
Saturday, October 04, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Saturday, August 02, 2008
Me and My Priorities
I have always tried to be perfect. Can’t help it – think what you want but I have. I only argue when I am 100% right. I don’t lie. I might have stretched the truth on occasion to make a story more enjoyable but I cannot tolerate being lied to so therefore I do not lie. My perfectionism got me into a state a while back where things were out of control that I had no control over and I was readying myself for a nice pretty nervous breakdown.
So I changed my priorities.
That was around 1998.
I am WAAAaaayyy past due for a change. Since 1998 a LOT has happened. Children adopted, loss of mothers and grandmothers and other loved ones, changed jobs twice and became a foster parent again. About 2-3 weeks ago I was so down I decided the only thing that would make me feel better would be to die. I did not want to live any longer. All joy in everything was gone. Then again I didn’t want to die. I just wanted all the stresses to go away and leave me alone.
So me & my priorities…we are a’changin’………
For the last 8 years (if not longer) I have neglected my house, my husband and myself – all for others. That is changing.
I will no longer…
>Put off cleaning /decorating my home the way I want it
>Put off fixing things around the house
>Put “fun” with my family to create lasting memories before everything else
>Put myself LAST (whose Idea was THIS???)
>Drop what I am doing because someone else is too lazy to learn what I had to learn to do it myself
>Drop what I am doing for anyone. They can wait. (only if there is pain or blood involved – I am not ‘that’ cruel!)
>Neglect my brother, nephew and other family just because they are an ‘inconvenience’ to others.
>Miss church or be late to church because of my family
>I WILL NO LONGER BE A RUG
>Lie to others
I will….
>Put God first. (God, Bryan, some others, me)
>Read my Bible
>Not let others negativity and opinion of me, my Fischer family, or Bryan alter my perception of life and how I chose to live.
>Do my best at work and not let the situations at home bother me thereI have always tried to be perfect. Can’t help it – think what you want but I have. I only argue when I am 100% right. I don’t lie. I might have stretched the truth on occasion to make a story more enjoyable but I cannot tolerate being lied to so therefore I do not lie. My perfectionism got me into a state a while back where things were out of control that I had no control over and I was readying myself for a nice pretty nervous breakdown.
So I changed my priorities.
That was around 1998.
I am WAAAaaayyy past due for a change. Since 1998 a LOT has happened. Children adopted, loss of mothers and grandmothers and other loved ones, changed jobs twice and became a foster parent again. About 2-3 weeks ago I was so down I decided the only thing that would make me feel better would be to die. I did not want to live any longer. All joy in everything was gone. Then again I didn’t want to die. I just wanted all the stresses to go away and leave me alone.
So me & my priorities…we are a’changin’………
For the last 8 years (if not longer) I have neglected my house, my husband and myself – all for others. That is changing.
I will no longer…
>Put off cleaning /decorating my home the way I want it
>Put off fixing things around the house
>Put “fun” with my family to create lasting memories before everything else
>Put myself LAST (whose Idea was THIS???)
>Drop what I am doing because someone else is too lazy to learn what I had to learn to do it myself
>Drop what I am doing for anyone. They can wait. (only if there is pain or blood involved – I am not ‘that’ cruel!)
>Neglect my brother, nephew and other family just because they are an ‘inconvenience’ to others.
>Miss church or be late to church because of my family
>I WILL NO LONGER BE A RUG
>Lie to others
I will….
>Put God first. (God, Bryan, some others, me)
>Read my Bible
>Not let others negativity and opinion of me, my Fischer family, or Bryan alter my perception of life and how I chose to live.
>Spend more time with POSITIVE people
>If I can’t find positive people I will spend more time with Skyler. He loves me.
In other news..... egos are running high at the homestead.
Everyone seems to think they get to do whatever they want with no consequences. Of course, we know that is not the case...even for adults. There are ALWAYS consequences to your actions. Some are good, depending on the situation, but when you fail to follow the RULES OF LIFE you will suddenly find yourself face down in the gutter, no friends, no family, no one to turn to and then you will have that "duh" moment and think to yourself (or you might even say it out loud) "What the heck happened?!" there will be NO ONE left to help you up.
Reen out!
Everyone seems to think they get to do whatever they want with no consequences. Of course, we know that is not the case...even for adults. There are ALWAYS consequences to your actions. Some are good, depending on the situation, but when you fail to follow the RULES OF LIFE you will suddenly find yourself face down in the gutter, no friends, no family, no one to turn to and then you will have that "duh" moment and think to yourself (or you might even say it out loud) "What the heck happened?!" there will be NO ONE left to help you up.
Reen out!
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Wow. I am sorry for not posting more. Now I have SO much I will forget some of it. But here it is....Mark did not die. It is now August 2 and he is still with us. He stayed for 6 weeks in a Sullivan Nursing Home getting stronger every day and he is now at home.
Amazing!
I KNEW Mark was stubborn, sheesh!
Sandy has told Mark that he was gone twice and I told him during our last visit that the day that Mathew and Jessica were there was the day he was supposed to die. That really sobered him up (bad bad pun, I know!) But I could see it in his face. I told him July 1 was the day. You were supposed to die. We had it figured out that the funeral would be a few days later and we would go spread your ashes on the 4th of July.
He was humble about that to say the least and said he wouldn't drink again. We took him 144 cans of Squirt to help him out!!!
Hey....whatever works.
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
Well, so far July 1st is not the day my brother was to die.
I am in such a daze. I know some great things happened today. I will try to sort it all out later
1. when they took Mark off the ventilator, he was ok.
2. He was able to talk in a whisper to us that day
3. He seems to know what is going on completely. He told the chaplain and the nurse he was ready to die.
4. He acted like he would not see us again when we said goodbye that night.
I am in such a daze. I know some great things happened today. I will try to sort it all out later
1. when they took Mark off the ventilator, he was ok.
2. He was able to talk in a whisper to us that day
3. He seems to know what is going on completely. He told the chaplain and the nurse he was ready to die.
4. He acted like he would not see us again when we said goodbye that night.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Well the decision has been made.
Bryan and I and Mathew and Jessica are meeting Mark's wife Sandy at the hospital tomorrow. I don't know what to expect in stopping someone's life support. My only 2 points of reference are comical when added together:
1. The movie: "Steel Magnolias" where they decide to let Shelby go and her mother is the only one brave enough to be with her to the end
2. Losing Gabby in our arms to cancer and years later, Penny too.
------------
So...I had to get out. I went for a drive to be alone. While there, I prayed. I prayed like I should be praying daily, but don't. I prayed until the tears wet my tee-shirt. Years ago I asked God for a sign to reassure me of that my Mom was with Jesus when she passed away. He gave me that sign with the first song I heard next... "In the Garden". Tonight I told God how I felt and prayed that same thing again. I heard Tim McGraw's song "I'm Already Home" but only these lines:
Bryan and I and Mathew and Jessica are meeting Mark's wife Sandy at the hospital tomorrow. I don't know what to expect in stopping someone's life support. My only 2 points of reference are comical when added together:
1. The movie: "Steel Magnolias" where they decide to let Shelby go and her mother is the only one brave enough to be with her to the end
2. Losing Gabby in our arms to cancer and years later, Penny too.
------------
So...I had to get out. I went for a drive to be alone. While there, I prayed. I prayed like I should be praying daily, but don't. I prayed until the tears wet my tee-shirt. Years ago I asked God for a sign to reassure me of that my Mom was with Jesus when she passed away. He gave me that sign with the first song I heard next... "In the Garden". Tonight I told God how I felt and prayed that same thing again. I heard Tim McGraw's song "I'm Already Home" but only these lines:
And know my soul
Is where my mama always prayed that it would go
And if you're reading this
I'm already home
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Wow. That last post was pretty darn'd impressive especially since I don't remember typing any of it. But things have changed somewhat.
1. Rec'd call from Sandy - she will not be going with us.
2. Rec'd call from Mathew - long story but he is living in Kentucky! So he is awaiting word from me today
I don't want to go. I do not want to go at all. But I am hoping this will be one of those times when you make it thru because the Lord carries you. This happened to me with my Grandma. After my mom passed away in June, she lost the will to live. She ended up in the hospital and I kept putting off going to see her. We live a long drive away from any family so it takes an entire day to do this. On the day after I spoke to my uncle (who advised me I was running out of time to see her. I remember the night before wishing it was over. Not wanting to see my Grandma lying their ... dying.
We went the next day and we accidentally met my uncle in the elevator. He was glad we made the trip because on that day she was sitting up, talking and seemed like her old self. He stated that we picked a good day.
Two days later she was gone. No one else got to see her like I did. My uncle stated she said after we left that she "had seen everyone she needed to see" and she was ready to go.
I know that the Lord did that because I could not handle seeing my Grandmother in that condition only 1 month after losing my mom.
But today may be a different story.
Reen
1. Rec'd call from Sandy - she will not be going with us.
2. Rec'd call from Mathew - long story but he is living in Kentucky! So he is awaiting word from me today
I don't want to go. I do not want to go at all. But I am hoping this will be one of those times when you make it thru because the Lord carries you. This happened to me with my Grandma. After my mom passed away in June, she lost the will to live. She ended up in the hospital and I kept putting off going to see her. We live a long drive away from any family so it takes an entire day to do this. On the day after I spoke to my uncle (who advised me I was running out of time to see her. I remember the night before wishing it was over. Not wanting to see my Grandma lying their ... dying.
We went the next day and we accidentally met my uncle in the elevator. He was glad we made the trip because on that day she was sitting up, talking and seemed like her old self. He stated that we picked a good day.
Two days later she was gone. No one else got to see her like I did. My uncle stated she said after we left that she "had seen everyone she needed to see" and she was ready to go.
I know that the Lord did that because I could not handle seeing my Grandmother in that condition only 1 month after losing my mom.
But today may be a different story.
Reen
Saturday, June 28, 2008
....and here we go again.
Saturday, June 14 I got a call from my sister-in-law, Sandy called to let me know that my brother, Mark was in the hospital..again. He had been at a birthday party and decided to once again go against his doctors orders (and common sense) and drink beer. Again, he had seizures from his body's inability to deal with the alcohol. And he ended up in the hospital...again.
So I have been calling the hospital and been given reports from the nurse's station that things were "OK". (here we go again...everything's ok). I should have known better!
So today Bryan decided to once again take the girls to Champaign to shop. After I just got my two scoops of Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream from Baskin Robbins, I rec'd a phone call from Sandy. Bad News. Mark was STILL on the respirator (something the nurses FAILED to mention on my many phone calls!) and that he had a living will. She needed to make the decision to stop the life support!! He is basically brain dead, she said and they have tried several times to slowly remove the respirator, with no luck.
So all I could think of was Not Again Not Again. Then the feeling of complete and utter lonliness came over me. I knew I would be losing Mark soon. I have been able to prepare myself.
There there's the whole Find Mathew Who Dropped Off the Face of the Earth search. I swear I have called the police dept, realtors, and every family member known to man. Where in the world is this kid?? And then..what do I say when I find him? "oh, yeah.. why was I lookin' for you? Your dad is going to die at xxpm on xxx day when we pull the plug"
So here I sit. Laptop on my lap, duh. Not wanting to go to bed, not wanting to think about it. I can't help but be totally selfish too. This cannot be coming at the worst possible time. I have scheduled vacation days coming up AND my tier two test coming on the 11th!! Too many people know I am going to be taking it! I can't allow myself to NOT pass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We plan on picking up Sandy and then going to the hospital tomorrow. More then.
Sadly yours,
Reen
Saturday, June 14 I got a call from my sister-in-law, Sandy called to let me know that my brother, Mark was in the hospital..again. He had been at a birthday party and decided to once again go against his doctors orders (and common sense) and drink beer. Again, he had seizures from his body's inability to deal with the alcohol. And he ended up in the hospital...again.
So I have been calling the hospital and been given reports from the nurse's station that things were "OK". (here we go again...everything's ok). I should have known better!
So today Bryan decided to once again take the girls to Champaign to shop. After I just got my two scoops of Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream from Baskin Robbins, I rec'd a phone call from Sandy. Bad News. Mark was STILL on the respirator (something the nurses FAILED to mention on my many phone calls!) and that he had a living will. She needed to make the decision to stop the life support!! He is basically brain dead, she said and they have tried several times to slowly remove the respirator, with no luck.
So all I could think of was Not Again Not Again. Then the feeling of complete and utter lonliness came over me. I knew I would be losing Mark soon. I have been able to prepare myself.
There there's the whole Find Mathew Who Dropped Off the Face of the Earth search. I swear I have called the police dept, realtors, and every family member known to man. Where in the world is this kid?? And then..what do I say when I find him? "oh, yeah.. why was I lookin' for you? Your dad is going to die at xxpm on xxx day when we pull the plug"
So here I sit. Laptop on my lap, duh. Not wanting to go to bed, not wanting to think about it. I can't help but be totally selfish too. This cannot be coming at the worst possible time. I have scheduled vacation days coming up AND my tier two test coming on the 11th!! Too many people know I am going to be taking it! I can't allow myself to NOT pass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We plan on picking up Sandy and then going to the hospital tomorrow. More then.
Sadly yours,
Reen
Tall Tulipscopyright 2008 Reen
~ I entered this photo on www.jonessoda.com. We will see what happens!
Reen
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Has it REALLY been that long? I was invited to DeColores Weekend #98 in 2005. It seems like it was just last year! I would like to go again, but I know it was so hard on my family with me gone for an entire Thursday eve to Sunday night. I have such fantastic memories of DeColores!
DeColores en Cristo (the many colors of Christ) is a means to strengthen and renew the faith people look for in life with Jesus Christ. Often called a "short course in Christianity", DeColores intends to instill the desire, and provide the tools for greater activity in Christian churches and enable sharing life experiences with Christians and non-Christians. The Cursillo method began in Spain in the 1940s and moved to the United States in the 1950s.
At the time I had been focusing a lot on the Lord and the weekend fit right in with my life. If I were to go now I know it would affect me more than I could handle. I am trying my best to life my life for the Lord now but I am surrounded by opposition and as everyone knows that makes life very difficult. I have slipped up more than once over the past year especially. I am tired of asking Jesus for forgiveness for failing Him the same way again and again. But I keep trying...
My best consolation is that the end is near. I can't listen to the news or read it online any more without feeling more and more strongly that we are getting closer to the time of Jesus' return. The Tsunamis, floods, earthquakes and other natural disasters are enough! But then you add to that the war in Iraq, the wars everywhere in the world and just the condition of our country right now and you can see how close we are getting. Right here where I live there has been flooding, tornados and earthquakes. All are signs according to Mt 24:6-8, Luke 21:11 and more. Unfortunately, I think it's going to get a LOT worse...
Saturday, June 07, 2008
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
hahahahahahahaha
I just noticed how I refered to someone in my last post and I tried to be "nice" and not put the whole word using an "*" in place of one of the letters. But what I did was use the "*" but still KEEP all the letters!!!!!
just like when I said "It's a four letter word beginning with 'anal' " when I was trying NOT to say Anal at the dinner table.
I am so funny
Reen
I just noticed how I refered to someone in my last post and I tried to be "nice" and not put the whole word using an "*" in place of one of the letters. But what I did was use the "*" but still KEEP all the letters!!!!!
just like when I said "It's a four letter word beginning with 'anal' " when I was trying NOT to say Anal at the dinner table.
I am so funny
Reen
Yeesh. A lot has happened since May 10..............
I am still here (somehow)
C turned 16
J had an ear infection resulting in emergency room visit (again!)
I am being considered for a major promotion at work
But some things remain the same........
B still a nasty b*itch
C still cold (like J/e I realized!!)
Tried talking to Big B and I am either over-reacting OR it just goes in one ear and out the other. whoosh!!!!!!
I did check into other options but I need to start saving AND I don't think I could find a place that would let me take Stof and Skyler. I couldn't leave Skyler. Big B doesn't understand him and is mean to him - all he has to do is listen.
Haha - and that's not just with Skyler.
----
funny sidenote EVERYONE in my family knows I have this blog. They know what it is. None of them have ever read it apparently or I am sure they would come to me.
ON A GOOD NOTE: my sister in law - Dani graduates from HS this weekend.
I am still here (somehow)
C turned 16
J had an ear infection resulting in emergency room visit (again!)
I am being considered for a major promotion at work
But some things remain the same........
B still a nasty b*itch
C still cold (like J/e I realized!!)
Tried talking to Big B and I am either over-reacting OR it just goes in one ear and out the other. whoosh!!!!!!
I did check into other options but I need to start saving AND I don't think I could find a place that would let me take Stof and Skyler. I couldn't leave Skyler. Big B doesn't understand him and is mean to him - all he has to do is listen.
Haha - and that's not just with Skyler.
----
funny sidenote EVERYONE in my family knows I have this blog. They know what it is. None of them have ever read it apparently or I am sure they would come to me.
ON A GOOD NOTE: my sister in law - Dani graduates from HS this weekend.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Sunday, April 13, 2008
....aaaannnddd another chat from the past. It was "Grease" Day!
Julia… what's the musical for the day?
Corine... i have listened to Grease recently
Julia... :)
Corine... that's about all i can think of
Julia... better shape up, cause i need a tangle pig,
Julia... and my heart is set on you
Julia... you're the one that i love (you are my tangle pig)
Corine... ooo ooo ooo
Corine... Guess mine is not the first tangle-pig broken
Corine... My eyes are not the first to cry
Corine... I'm not the first to know
Corine... theres just no gettin over pig
Corine... I hopelessly devoted to you
Corine... .......that didn't work ...............
Corine... too many syllables in tangle-pig!!!!!!!!!!
Julia... look at me i'm tangle pig
Julia... lousy with a colored wig
Corine... won't go to bed
Corine... till I'm legally wed
Corine... I CAN'T.......I'M TAAANNGGLLEEE-PIIIG
Julia… lol
Julia... go tangle pig cause your burning up a quarter mile
Julia... go tangle, go go tangle
Corine... LOL!
Julia... tangle pig drop out
Corine... Tangle is the word
Corine... or
Corine... Pig is the word
Julia... tangle pig, having a blast
Corine... I have got to stay home and blog already!
Julia... planning on filling it with our musical stylings?
Corine... yup
Julia... lol
Julia... hmm. no phone goblins came and got my phone....
Corine... mine either
Corine... Damn our luck!
Julia... :)
Julia... tornado run
Julia... back
Julia... no tangle pigs (or tornados) were harmed in the making of that tornado run
Julia... now back to our scheduled program
Corine... TORNADO RUN
Julia... desperate were you?
Corine... just wanted to make sure you heard me
Julia... i missed you
Julia... i went too
Corine... oh. well I was there
Julia... i didn't announce myself or anything
Julia... tangle pigs in the night
Julia... so enchanting
Julia... tangle pigs are so bright
Julia... and so enlightening
Corine... lol
Julia... how do i know if an office uses fast attach?
Julia... ask her to look for a binder behind her that says FAST ATTACH in big letters
Julia... ha ha ha ha
Corine... that's what I was going to say. I don't know of a way. unless you can see that in our program...
Corine... let me ask and see what I find out
Julia... :)
Julia... if i were a tangle pig...yadda dadda dah
Julia... all day long i'd tangle pig
Julia... yadda dadda dadda dah
Julia... i'm feeling loud today
Julia... am i loud?
Julia... (shh, i'm hunting wabbits)
Julia... (hee hee heh)
Corine... that's no moon.....it's a space station
Julia... heh heh heh
Julia... :)
Corine... have you seen "Dirty Dancing"?
Corine... Where is my Beige Iridescent LipSTICK????
Corine... I carried a watermelon??
Julia... nobody puts tangle pig in the corner!
Julia… what's the musical for the day?
Corine... i have listened to Grease recently
Julia... :)
Corine... that's about all i can think of
Julia... better shape up, cause i need a tangle pig,
Julia... and my heart is set on you
Julia... you're the one that i love (you are my tangle pig)
Corine... ooo ooo ooo
Corine... Guess mine is not the first tangle-pig broken
Corine... My eyes are not the first to cry
Corine... I'm not the first to know
Corine... theres just no gettin over pig
Corine... I hopelessly devoted to you
Corine... .......that didn't work ...............
Corine... too many syllables in tangle-pig!!!!!!!!!!
Julia... look at me i'm tangle pig
Julia... lousy with a colored wig
Corine... won't go to bed
Corine... till I'm legally wed
Corine... I CAN'T.......I'M TAAANNGGLLEEE-PIIIG
Julia… lol
Julia... go tangle pig cause your burning up a quarter mile
Julia... go tangle, go go tangle
Corine... LOL!
Julia... tangle pig drop out
Corine... Tangle is the word
Corine... or
Corine... Pig is the word
Julia... tangle pig, having a blast
Corine... I have got to stay home and blog already!
Julia... planning on filling it with our musical stylings?
Corine... yup
Julia... lol
Julia... hmm. no phone goblins came and got my phone....
Corine... mine either
Corine... Damn our luck!
Julia... :)
Julia... tornado run
Julia... back
Julia... no tangle pigs (or tornados) were harmed in the making of that tornado run
Julia... now back to our scheduled program
Corine... TORNADO RUN
Julia... desperate were you?
Corine... just wanted to make sure you heard me
Julia... i missed you
Julia... i went too
Corine... oh. well I was there
Julia... i didn't announce myself or anything
Julia... tangle pigs in the night
Julia... so enchanting
Julia... tangle pigs are so bright
Julia... and so enlightening
Corine... lol
Julia... how do i know if an office uses fast attach?
Julia... ask her to look for a binder behind her that says FAST ATTACH in big letters
Julia... ha ha ha ha
Corine... that's what I was going to say. I don't know of a way. unless you can see that in our program...
Corine... let me ask and see what I find out
Julia... :)
Julia... if i were a tangle pig...yadda dadda dah
Julia... all day long i'd tangle pig
Julia... yadda dadda dadda dah
Julia... i'm feeling loud today
Julia... am i loud?
Julia... (shh, i'm hunting wabbits)
Julia... (hee hee heh)
Corine... that's no moon.....it's a space station
Julia... heh heh heh
Julia... :)
Corine... have you seen "Dirty Dancing"?
Corine... Where is my Beige Iridescent LipSTICK????
Corine... I carried a watermelon??
Julia... nobody puts tangle pig in the corner!
a chat from the past that made us crack up...
Julia… for statement, they can try using the report button on the account screen and filter the date range
Corine... true. I forgot about that. thanks!
Julia... i love that button
Julia... not sure why
Corine... which button? the report
Corine... lalala
Corine... question on the button
Corine... i don't like the mutton
Corine... Gap in teeth -= Lauren Hutton
Corine... eating too much = glutton
Corine... people listen to EF Hutton
Julia... pooh bear is a-tutt-in'
Julia... ok, i made that one up
Corine... I can't tell
Corine... when I have zero to say that's nuttin'
Julia… for statement, they can try using the report button on the account screen and filter the date range
Corine... true. I forgot about that. thanks!
Julia... i love that button
Julia... not sure why
Corine... which button? the report
Corine... lalala
Corine... question on the button
Corine... i don't like the mutton
Corine... Gap in teeth -= Lauren Hutton
Corine... eating too much = glutton
Corine... people listen to EF Hutton
Julia... pooh bear is a-tutt-in'
Julia... ok, i made that one up
Corine... I can't tell
Corine... when I have zero to say that's nuttin'
Monday, March 31, 2008
Well, apparently I am now a Walnut Tree as well.
"Walnut Tree (Passion) -- unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts, often egotistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no flexibility, difficult and uncommon partner, not always liked but often admired, ingenious strategist, very jealous and passionate, no compromise."
"Walnut Tree (Passion) -- unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts, often egotistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no flexibility, difficult and uncommon partner, not always liked but often admired, ingenious strategist, very jealous and passionate, no compromise."
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
UPDATE on all things Reen:
~Awareness was fleeting. The focus is right back where it has always been.
~I live with 3 of the most self-absorbed human beings on the planet. I have now changed shifts and work 7-6. The problem with that is due to the morning schedules I have to get up at 4:30-5:00 am to get me ready, foster son ready and him to day care. And NO ONE CARES.
Oh, who cares if I am in the bathroom when mom needs in here?
Oh, who cares if we keep mom up until 11:00pm each night?
I could go on and on but I will just make me so upset and so angry. It is 2:00 am right now. I went to bed at 9pm. I was awakened at 10, and 11 and just now at 1:30 because the dogs wanted out. Now I can't sleep. Imagine that.
I have looked into other options but I can't afford them.
In other news, chiropractor visits have improved.
I have learned that I don't like what I have become. What happened to me? I cower in the corner - I don't even have my own space anymore so I have to hide in the bathroom. I feel like I have been abused. My heart hurts all the time except when I am at work. For some reason when I get there I forget all about B, C, B and even J.
I love it. Then of course, B calls me and yells at me for not telling him that lil B plans and so there I sit in the middle of the room where everyone can see (no more cubicles)...crying. For an hour I cried. at work.
Now everyone thinks I AM abused.
Is it time to leave for work yet...........?
Reen
~Awareness was fleeting. The focus is right back where it has always been.
~I live with 3 of the most self-absorbed human beings on the planet. I have now changed shifts and work 7-6. The problem with that is due to the morning schedules I have to get up at 4:30-5:00 am to get me ready, foster son ready and him to day care. And NO ONE CARES.
Oh, who cares if I am in the bathroom when mom needs in here?
Oh, who cares if we keep mom up until 11:00pm each night?
I could go on and on but I will just make me so upset and so angry. It is 2:00 am right now. I went to bed at 9pm. I was awakened at 10, and 11 and just now at 1:30 because the dogs wanted out. Now I can't sleep. Imagine that.
I have looked into other options but I can't afford them.
In other news, chiropractor visits have improved.
I have learned that I don't like what I have become. What happened to me? I cower in the corner - I don't even have my own space anymore so I have to hide in the bathroom. I feel like I have been abused. My heart hurts all the time except when I am at work. For some reason when I get there I forget all about B, C, B and even J.
I love it. Then of course, B calls me and yells at me for not telling him that lil B plans and so there I sit in the middle of the room where everyone can see (no more cubicles)...crying. For an hour I cried. at work.
Now everyone thinks I AM abused.
Is it time to leave for work yet...........?
Reen
Monday, March 03, 2008
My first visit to the Chiropractor was today. I am very impressed. I don't understand how it works but I went on faith. I called and made this appointment because my friend Jenny has been having such good luck with it. She (the chiropractor) was able to tell me exactly the problems I have been having. So I go back again on Thursday and then again on Monday. I will keep you posted.
One thousand prayers and happy "get-better" vibes go out to my college bud, Laura. She is going thru the whole cancer mess.
Awareness "might" be getting better. Not sure yet.
Reen
One thousand prayers and happy "get-better" vibes go out to my college bud, Laura. She is going thru the whole cancer mess.
Awareness "might" be getting better. Not sure yet.
Reen
Friday, February 15, 2008
It is amazing what drugs will do (the good kind I mean!)
I have been sick off and on since Halloween! I was diagnosed with a sinus infection PLUS more recently I caught the virus my husband has been incubating and came down with a sore throat. Now any of you that know me know that the MINUTE I get sick. I lose my voice. So yes, since Halloween I have sounded like a 70 year old lifelong smoker.
I can't wait to get my real voice back!!!
In other news - everything in my kitchen and bathroom has been disinfected! My hands are red and ugly looking but hopefully I have killed the majority of the germs around here. I am also forcing everyone to label their glasses/cups in the frig - which the girls just "love".
Praying to soon be infection & virus-free,
Reen
I have been sick off and on since Halloween! I was diagnosed with a sinus infection PLUS more recently I caught the virus my husband has been incubating and came down with a sore throat. Now any of you that know me know that the MINUTE I get sick. I lose my voice. So yes, since Halloween I have sounded like a 70 year old lifelong smoker.
I can't wait to get my real voice back!!!
In other news - everything in my kitchen and bathroom has been disinfected! My hands are red and ugly looking but hopefully I have killed the majority of the germs around here. I am also forcing everyone to label their glasses/cups in the frig - which the girls just "love".
Praying to soon be infection & virus-free,
Reen
Monday, February 11, 2008
Ah...I dream it every day. Every night it's the same.
I dream of a small place of my own. It doesn't have to look like much but it would have all my favorite things: my comfy gold chair, my drawing table and supplies, scrapbooking stuff, my pillow, Bath & Body Works lavender pillow spray, pics of people I miss greatly and that's about it.
Of course, clothes, shoes etc... but I just want quiet. Peace and quiet.
why, Why, WHY can't anyone UNDERSTAND THAT?????
Reen
I dream of a small place of my own. It doesn't have to look like much but it would have all my favorite things: my comfy gold chair, my drawing table and supplies, scrapbooking stuff, my pillow, Bath & Body Works lavender pillow spray, pics of people I miss greatly and that's about it.
Of course, clothes, shoes etc... but I just want quiet. Peace and quiet.
why, Why, WHY can't anyone UNDERSTAND THAT?????
Reen
Thursday, February 07, 2008
They are ALL takers! Every last one of them!
It has come to my attention during my latest sleepless night that EVERY single person in my life is a "taker". Here is an excerpt from http://www.marriagebuilders.com/
"The Giver is the part of you that follows the rule: do whatever you can to make the other person happy and avoid anything that makes the other person unhappy, even if it makes you unhappy. It's the part of you that wants to make a difference in the lives of others, and it grows out of a basic instinct that we all share, a deep reservoir of love and concern for those around us. But the Giver is only half of the story. The other half is the Taker. It's the part of you that follows the rule: do whatever you can to make yourself happy and avoid anything that makes yourself unhappy, even if it makes others unhappy. It's the part of you that wants the most out of life, and it grows out of your basic instinct for self-preservation."
That explains it perfectly.
Work, animals, family. All takers.
Now don't get me wrong. I love my job. I love doing what I do, (and the people I work with are not takers) but being a "business" and in the "business" to make money - there is always some taking. But they also give a lot too so work is NOT my major complaint. Animals - they give too. I can tell they appreciate the food, the snacks and the loving. Family is a totally different story.
Example: one family member runs late all the time. This is just a fact of life. We have come to accept that as a fact of life. We don't like it but we work around it. It is winter here and winter means frozen windows, snow etc... You HAVE to start your car and let it run. Period. So husband and I do this FOR her and there is NEVER a thank you or even a "kiss my butt". So being the Scorpio / spiteful person I am - I quit doing it. Start you own car, be late - what do I care.
Example: Other child does not speak to us. She clearly hates us. There is no eye contact. No matter what we do we are imbeciles. Actually neither child really speak to us unless we talk first.
I am beginning to think this whole family thing was a big mistake. The above examples are just a few of the many daily, hourly times that taking happens.
Now anyone reading this will immediately think I am the big whiner - but this has gone on for EIGHT years now. My significant other would rather yell/scream at me because a dog is whining to go out and he CAN'T be bothered to stop playing his precious internet game for 2 minutes to take the dog pee while I am doing homework with our foster child or putting clothes away etc... Don't think I have come to this decision to leave lightly. I have not. There is not one thing that gives me joy anymore and that answer USED to be my family. Now I can't stand to be around them because they suck the life out of me. I would rather die right now than spend an evening with them at home! Not joking. I am a Christian and I have tried doing some reasearch on suicide. I know that killing myself now would go against the body being a temple. But I don't want to be here anymore.
Leaving and sleeping in the van would be an option but husband actually would know that license plate and I am sure he would call police.
I guess I am just waiting for the leeches to leave me for dead.
neeR
It has come to my attention during my latest sleepless night that EVERY single person in my life is a "taker". Here is an excerpt from http://www.marriagebuilders.com/
"The Giver is the part of you that follows the rule: do whatever you can to make the other person happy and avoid anything that makes the other person unhappy, even if it makes you unhappy. It's the part of you that wants to make a difference in the lives of others, and it grows out of a basic instinct that we all share, a deep reservoir of love and concern for those around us. But the Giver is only half of the story. The other half is the Taker. It's the part of you that follows the rule: do whatever you can to make yourself happy and avoid anything that makes yourself unhappy, even if it makes others unhappy. It's the part of you that wants the most out of life, and it grows out of your basic instinct for self-preservation."
That explains it perfectly.
Work, animals, family. All takers.
Now don't get me wrong. I love my job. I love doing what I do, (and the people I work with are not takers) but being a "business" and in the "business" to make money - there is always some taking. But they also give a lot too so work is NOT my major complaint. Animals - they give too. I can tell they appreciate the food, the snacks and the loving. Family is a totally different story.
Example: one family member runs late all the time. This is just a fact of life. We have come to accept that as a fact of life. We don't like it but we work around it. It is winter here and winter means frozen windows, snow etc... You HAVE to start your car and let it run. Period. So husband and I do this FOR her and there is NEVER a thank you or even a "kiss my butt". So being the Scorpio / spiteful person I am - I quit doing it. Start you own car, be late - what do I care.
Example: Other child does not speak to us. She clearly hates us. There is no eye contact. No matter what we do we are imbeciles. Actually neither child really speak to us unless we talk first.
I am beginning to think this whole family thing was a big mistake. The above examples are just a few of the many daily, hourly times that taking happens.
Now anyone reading this will immediately think I am the big whiner - but this has gone on for EIGHT years now. My significant other would rather yell/scream at me because a dog is whining to go out and he CAN'T be bothered to stop playing his precious internet game for 2 minutes to take the dog pee while I am doing homework with our foster child or putting clothes away etc... Don't think I have come to this decision to leave lightly. I have not. There is not one thing that gives me joy anymore and that answer USED to be my family. Now I can't stand to be around them because they suck the life out of me. I would rather die right now than spend an evening with them at home! Not joking. I am a Christian and I have tried doing some reasearch on suicide. I know that killing myself now would go against the body being a temple. But I don't want to be here anymore.
Leaving and sleeping in the van would be an option but husband actually would know that license plate and I am sure he would call police.
I guess I am just waiting for the leeches to leave me for dead.
neeR
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
I forgot to clarify something with my last post that I feel needs to be stated.
"I grew up the minority (yes, I am white) in an ALL Mexican/Latino neighborhood in Tucson, Arizona in the 70s. I loved my neighbors, they were all aunts/uncles to me. I would never, ever do anything to hurt ANY of them.
BUT....
They were ALL here 100% LEGALLY. Even those who HAD entered into the country illegally had done what needed to be done to gain their citizenship.
I have nothing against anyone who comes to the US to try to get a better life.
BUT...
when those people who are in this country illegally can get jobs, drivers' licenses and even Social Security benefits while my mother scrapes by on my father's pension and is DENIED Social Security because she MAKES TOO MUCH MONEY! (?) THAT MAKES ME ANGRY.
Okay. I am off the soapbox.
Something needs to be done and we need to VOTE someone in who will do SOMETHING to correct this situation.
Period.
God Bless America
"I grew up the minority (yes, I am white) in an ALL Mexican/Latino neighborhood in Tucson, Arizona in the 70s. I loved my neighbors, they were all aunts/uncles to me. I would never, ever do anything to hurt ANY of them.
BUT....
They were ALL here 100% LEGALLY. Even those who HAD entered into the country illegally had done what needed to be done to gain their citizenship.
I have nothing against anyone who comes to the US to try to get a better life.
BUT...
when those people who are in this country illegally can get jobs, drivers' licenses and even Social Security benefits while my mother scrapes by on my father's pension and is DENIED Social Security because she MAKES TOO MUCH MONEY! (?) THAT MAKES ME ANGRY.
Okay. I am off the soapbox.
Something needs to be done and we need to VOTE someone in who will do SOMETHING to correct this situation.
Period.
God Bless America
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
| Your Brain is Blue |
 You tend to be in a meditative state most of the time. You don't try to think away your troubles. Your thoughts are realistic, fresh, and honest. You truly see things as how they are. You tend to spend a lot of time thinking about your friends, your surroundings, and your life. |
Sunday, January 06, 2008
Just a Few Prayers
As we ate dinner that night,
I said a prayer.
As I putting my little one down to sleep,
I said a prayer.
When my daughter left for home,
I said a prayer.
When she called again, lost and alone,
I said a prayer.
When I had to hang up the phone,
I said a prayer.
When I couldn’t find my cross,
I said a prayer.
When we left for the hospital,
I said a prayer.
When the ambulance pulled in,
I said a prayer.
When I saw her lying there,
I said a prayer.
When we heard she was ok,
I thanked God.
6 January 2008
As we ate dinner that night,
I said a prayer.
As I putting my little one down to sleep,
I said a prayer.
When my daughter left for home,
I said a prayer.
When she called again, lost and alone,
I said a prayer.
When I had to hang up the phone,
I said a prayer.
When I couldn’t find my cross,
I said a prayer.
When we left for the hospital,
I said a prayer.
When the ambulance pulled in,
I said a prayer.
When I saw her lying there,
I said a prayer.
When we heard she was ok,
I thanked God.
6 January 2008
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
I love, love, LOVE this picture! This is my lil sis Dani - taken on Thanksgiving as we crashed on the couch and watched the Ghost Hunter marathon. It doesn't take much to make us laff and apparently I was making her laff Big Time. The funny thing is - the flash didn't go off on my camera - making her laff more! and I was able to use the brightness/contrast and this is what I got. I thought it turned out very cool...for an accident.
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